I want to lay here in the peace, untroubled.
I want the past to be nothing more than faded memories that no longer haunt, disturb and intrude.
I want to talk to God, know he is there, here for me.
I often wonder if God is observer, participant or manipulator.
Rare are such moments as these, awake and unemcumbered, nothing on my mind that is broke and needs mending.
The lazy river flows sweet and gentle.
Goodnight sweet princess.
May the clouds of dreams fog the past and release a weary body into pleasant slumber.
Friday, February 28, 2014
5 Weeks without a Switch, MPD, DID, Incest Surviving
It's been five weeks now, since I've switched personalities. As they say in The Matrix, I am "The One", the original birth personality. I have a hard time remembering what age I was when certain trauma, events happened, because I have been around all these 40+ years. The others, the alters, my people have had very specific ages, and often purposes.
I think there are still a few people around...but it's been really weird seeing therapist all by myself and consistently five times. Before a couple months ago, I, personally had only "seen" and interacted with therapist half a dozen times for ten minutes or less. It's almost like all the others had to check her out, make sure she is safe (after all, isn't that why I created all the others) and they had to have time to tell their tales. No way could I have been able to handle that much trauma and emotion. I'm at a place now, whereby I can deal with all the recent remembrances and flashbacks. They have been intense and highly disturbing, no doubt, but I'm muddling through.
My dad was my chief molester, perpetrator. He sexually abused me from a few months of age through my teens, on average a few times a week. When I was very young and a toddler, he would rub his penis against my mouth or between my legs till he ejaculated. As I got older, kindergarten to fourth grade, he started playing around with anal sex. He even had my brother and I preform sex acts in front of him as he masturbated. He'd reward us with candy or treats. It was such a sick game. I remember wanting to do what dad said so I could get something to eat. I grew up on poverty and hunger, as well.
The revelation about the forced incest with my brother, only surfaced in the past couple of weeks. I still feel shame and blame, like I did before I accepted my dads incest and how it wasn't my fault and I was forced and coerced into it. Now this, with my brother, still feels heavy, devastating...don't think I can ever see him or get together with him again. I've talked with him once on the phone last week. My head swam with nauseating memories of the sec games. I don't want to deal. He needs to leave me alone. I need to ignore and avoid him until I feel okay...if that ever happens.
My childhood was all a lie. All the love I had for my brother...seems wrong, negated, over. I was trained to have child to child, sister/ brother sex. Don't know when I'll feel okay about that or when I'll hear his name and not wince.
My brother, he doesn't remember Anything. He is gay, an undiagnosed multiple and an alcoholic. When he remembers, which seems impending, his world is going to rock, shake and cave. I know. I've been there. I was MPD diagnosed twenty years ago and have been in therapy ever since. I've learned to handle and deal with flashbacks and being multiple. I've cut off and estranged myself from all disbelieving, unhealthy family members. I have a very calm, good life. My brother? It's going to be a really rough road. I wish him the best. Right now, can't think about him without remembering, flashing back.
I just wanted to write. Writing is one of the few things that help me heal.
I think there are still a few people around...but it's been really weird seeing therapist all by myself and consistently five times. Before a couple months ago, I, personally had only "seen" and interacted with therapist half a dozen times for ten minutes or less. It's almost like all the others had to check her out, make sure she is safe (after all, isn't that why I created all the others) and they had to have time to tell their tales. No way could I have been able to handle that much trauma and emotion. I'm at a place now, whereby I can deal with all the recent remembrances and flashbacks. They have been intense and highly disturbing, no doubt, but I'm muddling through.
My dad was my chief molester, perpetrator. He sexually abused me from a few months of age through my teens, on average a few times a week. When I was very young and a toddler, he would rub his penis against my mouth or between my legs till he ejaculated. As I got older, kindergarten to fourth grade, he started playing around with anal sex. He even had my brother and I preform sex acts in front of him as he masturbated. He'd reward us with candy or treats. It was such a sick game. I remember wanting to do what dad said so I could get something to eat. I grew up on poverty and hunger, as well.
The revelation about the forced incest with my brother, only surfaced in the past couple of weeks. I still feel shame and blame, like I did before I accepted my dads incest and how it wasn't my fault and I was forced and coerced into it. Now this, with my brother, still feels heavy, devastating...don't think I can ever see him or get together with him again. I've talked with him once on the phone last week. My head swam with nauseating memories of the sec games. I don't want to deal. He needs to leave me alone. I need to ignore and avoid him until I feel okay...if that ever happens.
My childhood was all a lie. All the love I had for my brother...seems wrong, negated, over. I was trained to have child to child, sister/ brother sex. Don't know when I'll feel okay about that or when I'll hear his name and not wince.
My brother, he doesn't remember Anything. He is gay, an undiagnosed multiple and an alcoholic. When he remembers, which seems impending, his world is going to rock, shake and cave. I know. I've been there. I was MPD diagnosed twenty years ago and have been in therapy ever since. I've learned to handle and deal with flashbacks and being multiple. I've cut off and estranged myself from all disbelieving, unhealthy family members. I have a very calm, good life. My brother? It's going to be a really rough road. I wish him the best. Right now, can't think about him without remembering, flashing back.
I just wanted to write. Writing is one of the few things that help me heal.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Famous Hermits, Having Aspergers
Having Aspergers, I tend to go off on tangents, pursuing obscure subjects that temporarily fascinate me, hence, I blog.
I tend to think of hermits as those people who physically distance themselves from others. You know, the man who moves to the tiny mountain cabin, the woman who sets up a tent and lives in the woods.
Here are some famous hermits I tracked down online:
Noah John Rondeau (1883-1967) the Hermit of the Adirondack Mountains
He lived in the Cold River area from 1929. A naturalist, amateur astronomer, violinist, woodsman. He built several huts, tepees and wigwams. Kept a journal all encoded. It took 25 years for someone to crack his cipher.
*
Willard Kitchener MacDonald (1916-2004) the Hermit of Gully Lake
After jumping a troop train to avoid service in WWll, lived in a secluded hut in Canada for 60 years. Pacifist. A film was made about his life in 2007, directed by Amy Goldberg, "Willard: The Hermit of Gully Lake."
*
James Lucas (1813-1874) Hermit of Hertfordshire (United Kingdom)
Celebrated English Victorian eccentric. Well-educated, studied medicine. Became a complete recluse after his mothers death. Lived solely in the kitchen of his mansion, sleeping on a bed of ashes and soot. Lived on bread, cheese, eggs, red herrings and gin.
*
Valerio Ricetti (1898-1952) New South Wales Hermit
Italian-Australian who lived mainly in a cave in the Griffith area for 23 years. Working only at night, so he would not be seen, he turned his cave into a fairytale-like utopia, complete with kitchen, chapel, landscaping, pathways, stone walls and stairs, cisterns for water. Stonemason, artisan.
*
Arthur Leslie Darwin (1879-1977) the Hermit of Posseum Key Florida
Lived on seven acres in the Everglades. Hunter, carpenter. Built a one-room concrete block house. Grew fruits and vegetables and raised rabbits.
*
Despina Achladioti (1890-1982) The Lady of Ro
Greek patriot born on Kastellorizo. With husband and mother moved to the deserted island of Ro. After a few years, both husband and mother passed away. Lived off goats, chickens, and a vegetable garden. Every day she would fly a Greek flag over the island. Despite not having veteran status, she was buried with full military honors.
*
Robert Roy Ozmer (1899-1969) Hermit of Pelican Key Florida
A newspaperman, actor, sailor, artisan. Moved to the island to cure his alcoholism.
*
Manfred Gnädinger (1940-2002) "Man" German hermit and sculptor
Lived in Camelle, in Galicia, Spain. A simple and natural life, living on the beach building sand sculptures and gardening. Tall with a long beard and dressed only in a loincloth. Built a small hut to live in. Man created colorful sculptures out of stones, driftwood, other elements washed up by the sea.
*
Richard Proennke (1916-2003) Twin Lakes Hermit Alaska
Richard Louis "Dick", lived in a simple log cabin in the high mountains. Made valuable recordings of meteorological and natural data. Former US Navy carpenter. Diesel mechanic, high intelligence, adaptability, strong work ethic. He made a film of his solitary life, "Alone in the Wilderness" that aired on PBS. Book "One Man's Wilderness: An Alaskan Odyssey" was based on his journals. Won the National Outdoor Book Award in 1999.
That satisfies my curiosity.
I tend to think of hermits as those people who physically distance themselves from others. You know, the man who moves to the tiny mountain cabin, the woman who sets up a tent and lives in the woods.
Here are some famous hermits I tracked down online:
Noah John Rondeau (1883-1967) the Hermit of the Adirondack Mountains
He lived in the Cold River area from 1929. A naturalist, amateur astronomer, violinist, woodsman. He built several huts, tepees and wigwams. Kept a journal all encoded. It took 25 years for someone to crack his cipher.
*
Willard Kitchener MacDonald (1916-2004) the Hermit of Gully Lake
After jumping a troop train to avoid service in WWll, lived in a secluded hut in Canada for 60 years. Pacifist. A film was made about his life in 2007, directed by Amy Goldberg, "Willard: The Hermit of Gully Lake."
*
James Lucas (1813-1874) Hermit of Hertfordshire (United Kingdom)
Celebrated English Victorian eccentric. Well-educated, studied medicine. Became a complete recluse after his mothers death. Lived solely in the kitchen of his mansion, sleeping on a bed of ashes and soot. Lived on bread, cheese, eggs, red herrings and gin.
*
Valerio Ricetti (1898-1952) New South Wales Hermit
Italian-Australian who lived mainly in a cave in the Griffith area for 23 years. Working only at night, so he would not be seen, he turned his cave into a fairytale-like utopia, complete with kitchen, chapel, landscaping, pathways, stone walls and stairs, cisterns for water. Stonemason, artisan.
*
Arthur Leslie Darwin (1879-1977) the Hermit of Posseum Key Florida
Lived on seven acres in the Everglades. Hunter, carpenter. Built a one-room concrete block house. Grew fruits and vegetables and raised rabbits.
*
Despina Achladioti (1890-1982) The Lady of Ro
Greek patriot born on Kastellorizo. With husband and mother moved to the deserted island of Ro. After a few years, both husband and mother passed away. Lived off goats, chickens, and a vegetable garden. Every day she would fly a Greek flag over the island. Despite not having veteran status, she was buried with full military honors.
*
Robert Roy Ozmer (1899-1969) Hermit of Pelican Key Florida
A newspaperman, actor, sailor, artisan. Moved to the island to cure his alcoholism.
*
Manfred Gnädinger (1940-2002) "Man" German hermit and sculptor
Lived in Camelle, in Galicia, Spain. A simple and natural life, living on the beach building sand sculptures and gardening. Tall with a long beard and dressed only in a loincloth. Built a small hut to live in. Man created colorful sculptures out of stones, driftwood, other elements washed up by the sea.
*
Richard Proennke (1916-2003) Twin Lakes Hermit Alaska
Richard Louis "Dick", lived in a simple log cabin in the high mountains. Made valuable recordings of meteorological and natural data. Former US Navy carpenter. Diesel mechanic, high intelligence, adaptability, strong work ethic. He made a film of his solitary life, "Alone in the Wilderness" that aired on PBS. Book "One Man's Wilderness: An Alaskan Odyssey" was based on his journals. Won the National Outdoor Book Award in 1999.
That satisfies my curiosity.
Monday, February 24, 2014
The Definition of a Hermit
Hermit: comes from the Latin erēmīta, from Greek erēmitēs, "of the desert"
First Usage 1130-1225 Middle English
I have always considered myself a hermit. I avoid social situations whenever possible. My autism means that everyday sights, sounds, activities can be overwhelming. My PTSD causes me to be hyper-vigilant, especially in regards to my personal space, people behind me and yelling or angry voices.
***
Hermit: a person who lives, to some degree, in seclusion from society.
***
As a child, I wanted to be a monk, till I figured out monkhood was only for boys and the highly religious.
I just wanted to find some place quiet. Voices, interaction causes stress and feelings of discomfort. I wanted to find a safe, quiet, peaceful place where no one would bother, disturb or hurt me.
I only leave the house when I have to, for groceries, appointments, errands, that's it.
Summer and Spring, I enjoy going for long walks in the woods, fields and vacant cemeteries.
There is no negativity, no crime, in being a hermit. It's just who I am.
New Start
It was time to start something new. I continue to lead an eclectic life. I am an artist, poet, philosopher, multiple with dissociative identity disorder, autistic, abuse survivor, courageous and quasi-intelligent, kind, compassionate, introspective and a recluse.
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