It's been five weeks now, since I've switched personalities. As they say in The Matrix, I am "The One", the original birth personality. I have a hard time remembering what age I was when certain trauma, events happened, because I have been around all these 40+ years. The others, the alters, my people have had very specific ages, and often purposes.
I think there are still a few people around...but it's been really weird seeing therapist all by myself and consistently five times. Before a couple months ago, I, personally had only "seen" and interacted with therapist half a dozen times for ten minutes or less. It's almost like all the others had to check her out, make sure she is safe (after all, isn't that why I created all the others) and they had to have time to tell their tales. No way could I have been able to handle that much trauma and emotion. I'm at a place now, whereby I can deal with all the recent remembrances and flashbacks. They have been intense and highly disturbing, no doubt, but I'm muddling through.
My dad was my chief molester, perpetrator. He sexually abused me from a few months of age through my teens, on average a few times a week. When I was very young and a toddler, he would rub his penis against my mouth or between my legs till he ejaculated. As I got older, kindergarten to fourth grade, he started playing around with anal sex. He even had my brother and I preform sex acts in front of him as he masturbated. He'd reward us with candy or treats. It was such a sick game. I remember wanting to do what dad said so I could get something to eat. I grew up on poverty and hunger, as well.
The revelation about the forced incest with my brother, only surfaced in the past couple of weeks. I still feel shame and blame, like I did before I accepted my dads incest and how it wasn't my fault and I was forced and coerced into it. Now this, with my brother, still feels heavy, devastating...don't think I can ever see him or get together with him again. I've talked with him once on the phone last week. My head swam with nauseating memories of the sec games. I don't want to deal. He needs to leave me alone. I need to ignore and avoid him until I feel okay...if that ever happens.
My childhood was all a lie. All the love I had for my brother...seems wrong, negated, over. I was trained to have child to child, sister/ brother sex. Don't know when I'll feel okay about that or when I'll hear his name and not wince.
My brother, he doesn't remember Anything. He is gay, an undiagnosed multiple and an alcoholic. When he remembers, which seems impending, his world is going to rock, shake and cave. I know. I've been there. I was MPD diagnosed twenty years ago and have been in therapy ever since. I've learned to handle and deal with flashbacks and being multiple. I've cut off and estranged myself from all disbelieving, unhealthy family members. I have a very calm, good life. My brother? It's going to be a really rough road. I wish him the best. Right now, can't think about him without remembering, flashing back.
I just wanted to write. Writing is one of the few things that help me heal.
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