My thoughts and feelings about who I am are directly related to which people are out. One minute, I'm a fairly competent, intelligent adult carrying on a semi-functional life. The next moment, I am a frightened child, beaten, bruised, bloody, raped, sad, helpless. It seems like all that I am, ever have been, maybe ever will be is this tortured child, unable to escape, to think for myself, unable to deprogram and release all their ugly, disturbing messages about how bad, awful, seductive, deserving of punishment and pain.
I open my hands, palm up, gazing at my past, present and future in this moment. I knew nothing outside of their mistreatment. Didn't attend school, go out to play, hang out with friends, talk to anyone, touch or hug anyone who wasn't actively hurting me. I was a nothing with bruises up and down my arms and between my legs. My body nothing but a broken tool wrapped around a twisted, trapped mind.
One by one, I must pick out and examine these outmoded, destructive thought patterns they entrained upon me. Now is a really good time to do this.
My body is good, clean and belongs Fully to me. It is not a punching bag, a receptacle for their dicks or their waste. My body is not for adult perverse pleasure. It is not an inanimate object that can be pushed, pulled, prodded and contorted into someone else plaything. It Belongs to Me.
My body is Not a dirty, filthy thing. That may be how they made me feel, but it is not who I am. I believed them. I believed mother and fathers incessant repetitions of how I was of no value, of how I was born to do their bidding. If they wanted me to stand naked, humiliated, embarrasses, while they shamed me, then I had no choice. I had no choice. I couldn't think for myself, didn't know how. What a strange foreign concept. That I had self-worth, thoughts and desires of my own.
I was a no body, a no thing to them. And they taught me, falsely, that everyone else saw me that way too. How do you wash it all away? The insults, degregation, the hatred and humiliation that reined down on my day after day after day? How might I cast off such thick callouses?
They taught me that I was unlovable. My body was not for warmth, caring or affection. It was for hitting, slapping, beating and penetrating. My body was not a user friendly place to be.
How I reviled it, as they did. How I hated my body for being able to hurt so, cause my great distress. It always seemed to hurt, be sick, ailing or in pain. I hated having such a sensitive body. I hated the nerve endings that gave me so much pain. I hated being sick with the strep throat, stomach aches, migraines, constipation, diarrhea, that were almost an every week thing.
I hated how I had no control over what my parents did to my body. I had no control. Didn't want it cause it was always hurting me. Never learned how to properly cared for myself. Didn't have anyone show me proper hygiene or respect or appropriate treatment. My body got sick but somehow it was my fault. It wasn't from the stress of beatings and molestations, no, my mother said I was sick all the time because I didn't wash enough or right. I blamed myself. It was all my fault for being such a sickly child.
No, see, the only reason I was constantly ill was because of the wretched things my parents were doing to me. The blame is not mine. I carried it for so long but the blame, the responsibility for me being so sick was because of mom and dad. The blame I hand back to its rightful owners. It wasn't my fault. Without proper nutrition, care and medical treatment, added with the beatings, rapes and molestation, No, I no longer carry this blame. The fault is mom and dads.
My body is not a bad, sick, perverted thing, No, my parents made me feel bad, sick and filthy because of adult choices they made.
It's time to release myself from these erroneously placed chains of blame and guilt. I did nothing wrong. My body never ever deserved to be treated so meanly.
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