What is life?

But a sad sorry mixture, a broken mold of what others want and expect of us and trying to find and save ourselves. I hide because the world is too much. I want to hide under blankets, cower in the corner, lock the doors and pull the shade. I want the world to go away. I want the demands of motherhood, spouse and conscientious citizen to go away. I want to let go of these years of pent up tears and fears.
 I want someone to hold me when I'm scared. I've always wanted to experience that, just once. Allowing myself to be innocent, vulnerable and be cared  for and  comforted. It's still a bizarre thought, that someone would care enough to do that, without hurting me. Without being repulsed by the ugliness of my past that lives within my skin.
 I want to be alone but I want to be silently held and deeply loved. I want to not leave this world without getting my most basic infantile of long sought needs met.
 Life is about trying to live your best through this fiery hell. Without third degree burns. Feeling the least amount of hurt possible. Getting away with the fewest bruises and broken bones.  How do you reach out, when your hands are tied? How do you beg for a hug without words!
 I'm a good person, I was a beautiful child, who got pretty beat up along the way. Then I made bad choices with substance abuse...and it's hurting me, my addiction that has served me so well as to dull and numb the pain of parents sexual and emotional hurt. Now my addiction makes every day a challenge, it robs me. Hurts me and scares me every day. Somehow I can't stop and would seem to accept a slow painful early death. Just finishing what my parents started...the road of unlovability. I think we all follow the path laid out by parents, consciously, unconsciously, in rebellion and in spite.
 Can't figure out how to change the heart expectation of unlovable to love. How to empty out all that old crap and accept, care for me. Seems the insurmountable, unwinable game. Rolling dice, shooting craps, dark alleys and dimwitted lights.
 I can equate my existence with living in a dark, trash filled alley, devoid of hope and light. When no one wants you, when the only reason a parent wants you is for rape, to clean the house and smack upon...it's really hard to find any value or self worth, for like, the rest of your life.
  Life is about getting beat up. Learning to live with yourself. Experiencing the least amount of pain.
Sometimes I wish if just close my eyes and rock in someone who loves me arms.
 Ah, the dreams of a child haunt the days of the adult